It bugs me every night..

Hey readers,

Ever have that feeling of not being able to sleep because you just couldn't sort of your thoughts?
I'm sure that many of us have that feeling, at least once.
To be honest, I could have just gone to bed without blogging and I know that I would be able to sleep well.
However what's the point of holding something back and pretend that the problem doesn't exist? Though I might be able to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow as though nothing happened, the problem would still come back some other day.
Tonight, this blog post would be rather different as I wouldn't be caring much about my grammar or the way I phrase my post. Instead, I would just go along typing what's on my mind and rant. This is going to be a long rant.
So, please bear with me.






Badminton

Yesterday was the badminton trials and I went for it.
Initially, I was afraid and just simply did my best for the trials. However after getting word that both of my friends could actually make it into the team, I got confident of myself. Not wanting to be arrogant or what but honestly, I have won them in singles before and I do not think that I stand lower chances of getting into the team than them.
What happened was simple; I did not get into the team. Yet, I was told that I could join in for their trainings.
I was rather unhappy as my friend doesn't play as good got into the team yet I couldn't make it. I just really don't understand...
This was what the captain said," I have once told you before that you have potential; yet you do not train hard. I did not even see you turning up on the last training. So, train hard and I shall see you next year. You can join our training if you are free.".
Apparently, the captain thinks that I was lazy and did not turn up for the training. Let's face it, I was running a high fever of 41.2 degrees on the day before the training. How does he expect me to turn up for training? Should I have gone for the training despite the fever? What do you guys think? I felt so maligned. It was not as though I did not want to go for the training; I was terribly sick. Come on, I don't know what he really meant that day but I feel just so pissed that day. However, I kept everything to myself.
Oh yes, you guys must be thinking that it was really nice of him to ask me join the training. I thought that way too but I felt really lousy just about an hour ago when I text him. This was what happened; I texted him and asked him about the time training starts tomorrow. His reply was," Same; but I'm afraid that there would be not enough courts... Girls would be sharing the courts.." This was not the first time he said something like this. It felt really ironical. Honestly, I do not understand the message he was putting across when he was saying that. I did my best to understand.
It was as though he did not want me to go for the training and that I was not good enough. On the other hand, he still said that it would be ok for me to go for the trainings.
What does he want? Should I go for training or not?
Am I welcomed or not? Sometimes I really feel so lousy about myself when I play with them.
I only get this feeling when I go for their trainings. As they are better than me, I would always have a feeling that they do not enjoy playing with me; my company.
The worse thing that happened was that they tried to be nice by saying that you could come for training, yet they did not make me feel welcomed. I really don't.
Couldn't people be more straightforward and simply tell me in the face," Hey,we don't like you. Can you not come for our training? It has always been a bore to play with you. You are just not good enough." Let's just put it this way. Wouldn't things be more simpler?
I wonder if it's just me being sensitive or what but I have been holding this back for a very long time. I really did my best. Maybe I wasn't cut out for the sport in the first place.
However, I could not think of any other things that I could do.
For nights, I have been spending much time on badminton and it was the only thing that kept me occupied.
Besides studying, working, I could only go for badminton.
There was no boys team in my secondary school and I was compelled to join other ccas and train on my own outside. Though I was not given a chance to be in the team.. Though I was really lousy and lost every match where ever I went... I still did not give up badminton. There were many times when I thought of giving it up, just like now. However, I kept asking myself why have I pushed myself till today.
Now that I'm in poly, I really want to bring this to another level. I thought that I would finally have a team. Honestly, I never had the feeling of being in a team and I really yearn for it.
Yet when given a chance to prove myself, I screwed it up. My weak body chose to fall sick a week before the trials. How should I feel about it? Should I be angry at my body? Or should I be angry at myself for using fever as an excuse of not training?
Forget it. Let's move on.
That day after the trials, I did some physical trainings myself and guessed what was the comment made by the captain? "Wow, now then want to act?" he remarked. Seriously, what was the purpose of him saying that? It doesn't matter if it was in a jokingly manner or what, it still hurts. I felt as though my efforts seem like just an act to him. Ignoring him, I put up a brave front and acted as though I was nonchalant towards his comment.
Let me share a little something about myself. Given my character, I would never want to talk about this and perhaps affect the friendship. I would rather keep everything to myself and pretend that I was not offended by that. However, I could no longer take it.
Whenever I was alone, I would think of all these lousy things.
I really hate to be judged. It's like.. Who are you to judge me of the things I do when you do not really understand me and know my purpose? It always gets really offensive when people judge.
I just wish that someone would be able to understand my predicament.
It really hurts all the time.







School


After going through such experiences in the school badminton trials, it somehow affects my mood to go to school. During this period of time, there are many ccas trials and everyone in class would be talking about which ccas they would be joining. This would be the time when they would ask me questions like," Hey, so how was the badminton trial?" and "So you got into the team?"  which are so hard to answer. I mean, I am already confused by all of that and am still planning on my next course of action; yet so many questions keep popping up. Most of my friends have already gotten into the ccas that they want easily, except me. To be honest, I have thought of taking up another sports. However, I thought of how much time and effort I have spent on badminton.. It would be pretty wasted if I was to give everything up.
This would be the time when I feel that I really don't belong to the class.
Tonight, I heard from a friend of mine that it would only be the first year when classmates would be traveling together and eating together and that everyone would go their separate ways in year two. I don't know if i should buy it or not but it did sound scary.
However it might be true.
The friends that I have made during the ABE camp all walked their separate ways. In poly, the only friends you would be interacting with would be your classmates.
Though everyone might be having a fun time during lessons together, everyone would still go their separate ways after school.
Everyone has their own activities. It is unlike secondary school when we would be able to go out together, have meals together, study together, go home together. Those times when we would all be free and stay near each other.. Now everyone is so far apart.
Oh well, I guess this is life.
" We born alone, we die alone. What happens in between are all privileges"
This is the line I keep telling myself whenever I get sentimental and upset. However all humans are sentimental beings and there would be times when we could not control our emotions.
It's ok. Let's move on.
" Always treasure the moment we have right now and not think of what could have happened and would happened next. "
That would be what i do; treasuring everyone and making every moment count.



I guess that would be all for today's rant.
It had been a tiring day and I am left with less than two hours of sleep.
I knew this would happen from the start but still chose to blog as I could take no more.

If I was to share all of these with my friends, they would be bored of it and would not want to listen. Hence I decided to just rant here on my personal space. Those who genuinely bother and care about how I feel would come by themselves and read these long chunks of words and give me their advises.
I could no longer care more about who genuinely cares for me and who simply puts on a fake facade in front of me.
Let everything depend on fate. Let nature takes its course.
Those who care would stay with you and be there for you no matter what.
Those who don't, wouldn't stay no matter how much you plead them.



Alright, that's all for today's rant.
Let me end it by introducing a super awesome movie which just came out,
"The Avengers"!
I watched the midnight movie on the day it was released.




















I found this movie really cool as it has many super heroes in it; Ironman, Hulk, Captain America and even Thor!
I would definitely recommend this movie to everyone.
It is action-packed and absolutely hilarious!
So head down to the nearest cinema and catch it! Be quick as tickets are running out fast!
You would definitely not regret it.
=)

I have to rest now.
Thank you readers for your time.